If you've ever read a Cracked article in your life, you'll immediately recognise where the influence to this list has stemmed from. Do you hear the plaintive cries of plagiarism? Guess what, young reader - nobody cares! I could easily just lift a lesser known work by Shakespeare, publish it on here, then claim it as my own, and any litigation shall ne'er arise. The global perspective is: "If nobody bothers to object to it, you're in the clear".
By the way, in a completely unrelated issue, this blog may, all of a sudden, be shut down in the near future. I don't make the rules of the internet (Anonymous does), but Rule 34 will sure as seawater apply in the coming lines.
So are you a man? Do you consider yourself 100% heterosexual? Or even 100% homosexual? Prepare to be "blown" away...
WARNING: Long article! VERY LONG ARTICLE! May I suggest you read one section at a time, with breaks in between, unless you want your brain to explode? Ok, I'm just going to post one at a time anyway...
7) Skinny Jeans
Picture this. You wake up in the morning, bleary-eyed and scatterbrained, not quite ready to face another day in the world. The weather outside is frightful; in a radio news report, you hear that temperatures are hovering precariously just above zero. And in your infinite wisdom, you've left a (weirdly effective) bulwark of beer bottles, strewn across the floor of your room. Seems as though that party you threw last night has come back to bite you hard on your exposed ass (you'll tell yourself later that you'll sleep with clothes on for a change during the winter months), as access to your wardrobe is now an impossibility. Desperate for some entire body coverage, you make your way through the debris, out of the room, and downstairs to the utility room - or the stairs, if the rest of your family is just as slovenly as you are - to scour for clothes. Underwear? That's a start. Socks? Bah! No point, I can fit those around my chest! T-shirt stained with red wine, and smelling horribly like vomit? Well, this is a special occasion. I need something now before my nipples fall off. Jeans...?
Now wait just there. Though you're pretty disoriented (ok, fine, hungover), you can still tell the difference between a pair of your own jeans and a pair belonging to your sister, who is 2 years your junior. Plus, she is a lot, lot smaller than you are. Do you dare try to squeeze into these abominations to circulation, just to quell the rigorous shivering?
After deciding that you'd rather risk ridicule by your peers than death by hypothermia, you slip them on. OUCH, THEY'RE TIGHT! And they're slowly, but surely severing your scrotum in two. And your sister is never going to forgive you for filling the interior with vast quantities of blood, sweat and urine (woops! looks like you can't get them off easily either!). But despite all of that, you think that these things make you look pretty darn good. No, you know that they make you look pretty darn good. Fuck the rest of the world and their chants of "gay boy! gay boy!". They're just jealous!
And so, this heralded the birth of male skinny jeans. Fine, the actual tale of how skinny jeans came into being was not that elaborate, and therefore, not that interesting. But they were concocted all the way back in the 1950s, and worn by Elvis Presley, The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. Of course, they were also worn by Marilyn Monroe. At which point you have to ask yourself: "Do I really want to be compared to Marilyn Monroe".
Fortunately, similarities between JFK's alleged "midnight snack" and members of the male species were not spotted too often, and the juxtaposition of breezy skirt photos only ever caught on in Scotland ("upkilt" became a cornerstone of Scottish society soonafter). From thereon, skinny jeans were regularly donned by punk rock pioneers and heavy metal megastars, surviving until the early 90s, when grunge and hip-hop gave the cold shoulder to the item of clothing that had graced the legs of many in the music industry for so long.
The excessively flamboyant trait of skinny jeans has existed since its inception. However, with its revival in the 2000s, the ostentation associated with them had failed, so designers were forced to be more outlandish. Brighter and bolder colours were adopted and made readily available for a public full of impressionable, suggestible teenagers - the aforementioned being true of any previous era of youth - and they quickly reestablished their place in the zeitgeist of the modern-day young adult. And the reason the trend was propagated so effortlessly was because skinny jeans were now joined at the hip of a more mainstream market of indie rock, and later branching out into the "scene" scene.
Ahh, lots of men are now wearing these things. And a couple of decades ago, you would have been wearing the same thing as the lead singer of Metallica. So, how is it destroying your heterosexuality these days, you ask?
By making you look like these guys.
The Jonas Brothers...you may commence ingestion of your cyanide capsule. Granted, none of them are wearing white skinny jeans like that prick out of Razorlight. But it still isn't a comparison you want people to be making is it?
And lots of girls still wear skinny jeans. If girls and boys both like skinny jeans, and these girls like boys, then maybe the boys like...*sentence left incomplete due to sheer obviousness of final word*.
Evidently, wearing skinny jeans isn't enough to claim you have a wandering eye. Which brings me to my next point...
