WARNING: This, as with all other articles within this series, should not be taken in a serious sense, since they were designed to be satirical and ridicule the obsolescent stereotypes many people have regarding the behaviour, activities and attire of homosexual and bisexual men. The real vilification is of the macho attitude many males perpetuate in an effort to further separate themselves from femininity, and such a thing - because it is forced - is pointless.
The cardigan came back? Just whose bright idea was that then? I want a bloody good explanation! Well, as luck would have it, I have a good explanation for this, which exists in the form of one solitary word...
David Beckham.
That's right, folks. Golden Balls himself is so inherently vital to English society that he's been inducted into the dictionary. Impressive, right? Wrong. The dictionary in question is Urban Dictionary, and definitions range from "The 'Anna Kournikova' of football" to "A well known metrosexual". Idiomatically speaking, his name denotes "someone who marries to disencumber himself of claims of homosexuality". One could surmise that such claims are parochial, but at TMROADY, we like to theorise that there is a certain degree of truth in everything ever spoken or scripted. And despite the incontrovertible prevarication in the antecedent sentence (ohhh, I've been telling porkies!), we can combine the applicable elements of these claims, and manipulate them to make it seem as though Becks is a prime paradigm of bisexuality!
Logical fallacies aside, let's assume Monsieur Beckham does possess homosexuality inclinations. He has a wife? Perhaps he's strongly attracted to her too (but being a cynic, I'd prefer to believe they're only still married for the sake of their children and given the rate of divorce these days, it's a marriage of convenience...). That would mean he's a bisexual!
Ok, I've just predicated that the national treasure, David Beckham (in the eyes of two English people, that is. And one is his own mother), swings both ways. Why? It's all in the cardigan, people!
Just gape at how that foppish alizarin screams for the attention of men and women alike, similar to how proud an infant might feel after doing a doo-doo in the potty for the very first time (not included here: mental image of David Beckham defecating in a bucket). Plus, the tie tucked into his shirt doesn't abate his reputation for being an iconoclastic bell-end; in Beckham's eyes, all men should be allowed to cross-dress, as long as he showed it was okay to do so before anyone else; to be the trend-setter. It's important to be the first to do something, isn't it, David? That makes you special.
Pictured above: a special kind of nob.Moving off the subject of animus of a guy who was born in Leytonstone, and grew up to become one the most eminent faces in the entire world (and do believe me when I say that I'm not in the slightest bit envious, ha ha), we return to the cardigan itself. How does its adornment deviate from the dress sense of the archetypal man? It was named after a British military commander who served in the Crimean War. That's quite butch, don't you think? Hey, Wiki is even telling me that Kurt Cobain wore cardigans. Kurt Cobain: the man who wrote and sang Heart-Shaped Box - one of my favourite tracks in existence - and whose mellifluous tone in verses and gravelly choral voice captivated millions. Not before or after his time with Nirvana either! Well, obviously not after, because...well, you know *feels awkward*.
WAIT RIGHT THERE, OLD CHAP! Cobain himself claimed that he was "gay in spirit" and "probably could be bisexual". Don't believe me? Check for yourself with Google or...ahh, who am I kidding? Nobody uses any different search engines! Anyway, check by typing in "Cobain", "bisexual", "interview" and "The Advocate". Just steer clear of the images section, unless you want to see some disturbing photoshopped pictures.
This revelation surely strengthens my argument for bisexuality, right? Before I found that out, the only respectable grounds I had dealt with the slimming effect that a correctly-fitted cardigan would have (because real, heterosexual men wear their beer guts with pride!). Last week, Nush showed me pictures of fashion around the start of the century, where men wore corsets, and women's clothing left a lot to the imagination. With the present-day gender role reversal of this fashion, does the cardigan threaten to nullify these modern traditions once more?
Men wishing to distance themselves from the implications wearing a "cardigan" might have, choose to call it a "manigan", which, frankly, is tantamount to calling fruit cake "energy cake". The name may have changed, but the ingredients are all the same (i.e. a lot of crap you don't particularly want to eat), and it's a massive let-down to anyone else excited by the revitalized testosterone-filled sobriquet when they find out that they're eating food with "sultanas" in it, and not "bricks". Bricks made from metal and fire.
Actually, "manigan" is such a pathetic term, you wouldn't be calling your fruit cake an "energy cake". You'd be calling it a "worthless excuse for a cake that never lived up to expectations, and was always a bitter disappointment in life". If you had cakephobic parents.
Checking to see if your testicles are still there? They aren't. Neither is your dignity.
