T’was the night before Christmas,
Or so I am told.
Frankly, all that I notice
Relates to the cold.
I don’t care much for Christmas,
Except for the fact
I receive much more money
And get to contact
All my aunts and my uncles,
Who live far away
(Though I don’t wish to see them
Until Boxing Day).
Now, the jolliest present –
Someday, I will have –
Should involve Father Christmas
Just beating a chav.
It’s a chav that’s intruding
Into our fair home.
Plus, he’s struggling to stand up –
He’s drunk to the bone.
He threw up on the staircase;
Threw up on the floor.
And then while defecating,
He threw up some more.
Father Christmas came early
(Arrived, you sick freak),
So the chav felt his weapon,
Beginning to speak:
“Yo, I bare need some weed, right?
You bes’ get lost now.
Otherwise, I could shank you,
And dat can allow.”
From all this, evidently,
Saint Nick seemed confused.
He knew not what the boy said:
Did “shank” mean “to use”?
As he pondered that idea
And fondled his beard,
The dumb chav grew impatient;
A knife had appeared.
Mr. Kringle looked shell-shocked,
His face filled with fear
“No! I can’t die this evening!
I must see next year!”
He tried to negotiate
By swearing to leave;
Promised not to revisit
The next Christmas Eve.
But the chav wouldn’t listen
To his feeble cries
For the mercy of freedom:
“Let us compromise.”
I had heard a commotion,
Meaning to this scene,
I now enter, dumbfounded,
Believing a dream
Was the thing I was seeing,
So pinched my left arm.
And aghast, I stared straight at
The burglar alarm.
It had failed! “What of that?!
A chav and a man
Dressed in red and white fabrics!”
That’s when the chav ran.
But the fellow in red clothes
Stood right where he was.
He just broadened his smile
And vanished to dust!
So, tomorrow, sit down to
A family meal
And merry Christmas to all,
But Santa’s not real!
Duh!
(Edit: Ohhh, that should be “Happy Festive Holidays”! Or maybe I’ll be offending someone! Oh no! That would be awful! In regards to the religious aspect of Christmas…well, I’m sure you can all guess what my opinions are on that.)
(Second Edit: In actuality, I'm not really prepared to wish anyone a Merry Christmas, because the force behind those words has completely dissipated. But instead of going into a rant on why that is, I'll leave you with these words: be satisfied with what you have this Christmas, and only strive to procure items of luxury after purchasing the necessary.)
(Third Edit: Or simply buy whatever the hell you want from Woolworths...)
6 comments:
chuung poem!! i was laughing all the way through, imagine if a chavs did speak in poetic prose:) and it was nice to see a post after like a gazzillion years! i was sooo dissapointing to see the other one was just a picture! seasons greetings to you to ;)
I loved the chav references in your poem. Did you write it yourself? It really is quite stunning.
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aq1cryAqVmh81msSOzYXRKc.CAx.;_ylv=3?qid=20080921022049AA3GTM2
Here are some chavvy jokes for you, think of it as a late Christmas present.
Ignore the "best answer" from "mountain of love", he needs a good kicking up the proverbial a-hole.
Could you explain your last post? What is that picture about?
Link appears to be broken :/.
Thank you :D - yes, I did write it myself. If you ever discover a variant of the "threw up on the staircase" stanza, then I did take inspiration for that section elsewhere, which is what I think happened. But a quick search brought about no results, so honestly, I don't know. Whatever the answer, I aimed not to copy someone else for that part.
Erm, the last post with the "high voltage warning" sign? I'm sure the text below made sense to the picture, whereas the title was meant to mean "back" (yes, poorly done). I was trying to subtly say I'd returned ><...in a retarded manner *slaps head*. And so, from that " *shock* "!
*sighs at self for sounding utterly pathetic*
Ooohhhhh...it's all slipping into place now. By that I mean the understanding of what you meant, and the slipped discs. ;)
I was getting worried and starting to think you'd discovered some secret inner craving for the lesser-enjoyed components of animate objects.
your poems make me smiiiiiile :) i hope thats what they aim to do anyway...
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