Stupid Guides To Very Select Situations: #3- How To Teach Your Ostrich To Speak French

The ostrich. An elusive animal. Capable of many things: running at speeds of up to 45mph, withstanding drastic temperature changes in its environment, breaking into your car and then stealing your radio - without a shadow of a doubt, it is a remarkable creature.

They also look rather fabulous in bowler hats.

But that's nothing compared to what an ostrich can do to you should you ever try harming one of its young. These beasts have the power to kill you with a single kick. Remember that the next time you attempt to sodomize one (with penis or pseudo-penis), and save yourself the excruciating testicular or ovarian pain.

Which is why whenever you've tried teaching your ostrich how to speak French before, you've - more than likely - ended up getting nowhere. The beasts are unwilling to cooperate!

But are you one of that select minority which continues to remain firm in their resolute attempts to win the ostrich people over? If not, stop here, as the stupefying amount of awesome in the following may be too much for you to sustain your usual degree of demure. If so, do read on (not because you're at the nadir of the gene pool and need to have your fecundity obliterated by said ostriches, but because I need a job, and the more of you there are running off to live in the wild with their dearest animal, the better my chances of finding one that pays well).

1) First of all, you'll need feathers. Lots of feathers. If you're planning to connect with your average ostrich, then you sure as shoal are going to have to look like a damn ostrich. Oh, and I regret to inform you that nothing tawdry will work here; you're going to be forking out a serious amount of sterling if you want to look like the real MacKay; ostriches are supremely snobbish, and the slightest whiff of a knock-off will displease them no end.

Good lord, is that fellow wearing imitation ostrich feather? Well, I NEVER!

2) Next, befriend an ostrich. I know, I know, I expect to hear a few grumblings from you about how I'm going to tell you to trek to Africa and that's not particularly what you want to do...WRONG! Many an ostrich can be found on the streets of London, oft hidden in high-end stores, so scour areas such as Knightsbridge and Kensington. Yes, the recession has hit us all, and the ostriches have started to downplay their spendthrift disposition, yet they are fervently rapacious with regards to their love of imported bottled water. So, should you hear a customer ask for "Aquarel" mineral water in John Lewis, chances are you've stumbled across an ostrich incognito.

The incessant squawking may also be a giveaway.

3) Move with them back to the wild. It's true that the ostrich's natural habitat includes some of the aridest regions of the world (see: desert), but you've stocked up on that bottled water I was talking about before, so you'll be fine, won't you?

Idiot.

4) Spend a year in your new ostrich haven, making allies and learning the language. Note: real ostriches speaking half in English, half by screeching out their own names like a real-life Pokemon (they're all called "Sqqquuuuuaaaawwwwwwwwwwwk"). Flap your wings as often as you can to instil a sense of authenticity in your fellow ostriches, but never attempt to leave the ground, as other ostriches may find this suspicious, since the ostrich is a flightless bird. And never, I repeat, NEVER succumb to your basic human instincts by engaging in sexual activities with the birds. Go without, or stick it in a couple of zebras; seriously, what kind of sick freak are you for wanting to do that?!

5) Gain noteriety by assembling a cabal of evil ostriches, remembering to give them each some bad guy names, like "The Gizzard Gurgler" and "Ostreich", and plotting to overthrow the head honcho ostrich. This leader can be difficult to descry, but will usually answer to "King O" or "Big Bird".

Not this "Big Bird", who ruled the ostrich world from 1764-1772, despite being the quintessential drag queen feathered-fiend. And BRIGHT FUCKING YELLOW.

6) Introduce a set of awesome new laws which will allow the rest of the ostrich population to see just how evil your gang of avian rebels really are. Start off small by making it a requisite for everyone to attend "pimp handshake" school, and follow this up by forcing all ostriches to wear designer sunglasses and smoke cigars.

I'm sorry, but I found the notion of posting an image of a smoking ostrich immoral. So here are some getting crushed by short men instead.

7) OH NO! In the midst of keeping up the charade and convincing the ostriches you are actually a bird yourself, you completely forgot to teach yourself French. And you have no bilingual dictionary on your person (since, you know, you're pretending to be an ostrich, and ostriches don't have pockets). You're now stranded in the savannah with nothing but a few ostrich buddies. You just failed.

Double idiot.

But it wouldn't have mattered if you were more French than a...erm, croissant, because as it turns out, there is currently absolutely no way to teach even the most erudite of ostriches how to speak French. Sorry, ornithophiles, but you'll have to settle upon listening to your beloved speak in a cockney accent as opposed to the language of love. A word to the wise; an ostrich that speaks profane English may land you in some unwelcome situations...

Did you just sniff my egg, you son of a bitch?! WELL?!

And there's nothing worse than being in the headlights of a severely pissed-off ostrich.

Ok, maybe that.