Stupid Guides To Very Select Situations: #1- How To Tie Your Shoelaces Whilst Dangling Upside Down Over A Pit Of Lions

Have you ever encountered your nemesis on a day out, only to realise that you forgot your superhero costume at home, and are therefore defenceless to any attacks they might swing your way? Having succumbed to their superiority – just for the day – and ended up being placed in an abject position, did you then espy that your shoelaces were untied in the most frivolous of times to notice such a thing?

Looks like you need professional help! And I’m just the sort of professional (i.e. not a professional) that can provide you with that help you so desperately need. Do not fear death right now; the important thing for you to do at this very instant is to tie those shoelaces as quickly as humanly possible!

But how does one go about doing that, you ask me? It’s rather simple, and if you follow my few clear guidelines, you too will never be caught dead with your shoelaces loose about your feet. Literally!

1. First, you’ll need to use your hands. Oh dear, looks like that rival was two steps ahead of the game when he attached you to that rope, because he seems to have tied your hands together too! If that is the case, try negotiating with the lions to chew off the strings binding your hands. Never know, the lions might feel sympathetic; has anyone tried this before? Didn’t think so, now desist with your mindless chatter and ask. Carefully persuade them not to bite off your hands themselves in the process; promise them a McDonalds Happy Meal each in return for their assistance.
2. Right, you can now do whatever you want with those hands. Look to your sides. There should be a knife/sharp shard of metal nearby – that’s always the case. Reach out for it. Blast! Your arms aren’t quite long enough, and apparently, you aren’t Inspector Gadget. Give up, and taunt the lions for a little bit.
3. Now that the lions are angry enough to want to maul you, and shred your face to ribbons, get back to the task at hand. Hey, I said task at hand! Laugh. Being suspended upside down for so long has started to make you feel delirious. Avoid the flying lions leaping from the floor below that have begun working in parallel with one another to tear you limb from limb.
4. Here’s the tricky part. Pay full attention, or you may miss what you need to do. Hunch your body over towards your legs, and tie your shoelaces like normal. Breathe a sight of relief and relax; you’ve done well.

And you’re done. Don’t worry about the lions; they’re not going to eat you. Turns out they’re just people in costumes, and any second now, the rope from which you are hanging from will break, leaving you with the ability to fight your way out of the lion’s den. Say a cheesy line or two whilst punching them each in the face to K.O. them. Formulate excuses and concoct a web of lies in preparation for the visit of the RSPCA, who were obviously confused about the legitimacy of the lions. Fly away, and pummel your nemesis to a pulp.

Remember though that if the lions weren’t co-operative with you at stage #1, they turned out to be real ones, and you became cat food.

And you were so young…